Sven.

Meanwhile, a fat and hairy Sven Baldwin sat in his Vegas-themed office and brooded. He hated those Lesbians, and being a man of vast resources but little intelligence, the fact that his malice was supported by nothing other than ignorance bothered him not.

Unbeknownst to Sven, he had a subconscious reason for hating the ILSMs. Sven actually looked a lot like Daniel Baldwin. Crossed with Sloth. Sven's hatred was actually a deep-seeded jealousy of the ILSMs and their effortless sexiness. His jealousy was coupled with the subconscious resentment of knowing no ILSM, not even La Tantesse, a human of equal resemblance to Daniel Baldwin and sloth, would ever have anything to do with him. Were he to venture into his subconscious and find the true source of his hatred, lesbian-hating-terrorist experts agree that Sven would immediately collapse into a pool of wallowing jelly (an event which is not hard to imagine given Sven's walrus-like physic).

The Book of Sven (a journal his mother gave him for his 40th birthday and which is filled with child-like drawings and poems he composed in his 50s) is his source of higher power and his guide to coexisting with ILSMs. What the ILSMs do not know about Sven is that he is, in fact, hoping (like all people of the world) to interact directly with ILSMs on a friendly level. He created the Book of Sven as a way of attempting to form friendships (read: sexual relationships) with ILSMs or other women associated with ILSMs. Everyday, Sven ponders The Book of Sven and considers ways to abandon his life of terrorism. Everyday, Sven fails.

On this particular day, Sven left his Vegas-themed office and ventured to his 8-car garage where he sat in a folding chair and gazed at a picture he had drawn of a snowman next to a pine tree. The snowman reminded Sven of his grandfather, a cocaine addict who often jokingly referred to his cocaine as "snow."

"Oh grandpapa," Sven chuckled.

But, then, Sven remembered that though the ILSMs had no interest in him or his money, they did have an interest in cocaine and cocaine-laced necessities, such as cocaine-laced toothpaste, cocaine-laced breakfast cereal, and cocaine-laced toilet paper (not that the ILSMs ever needed it).

I have money. I could buy cocaine. I could have Max, the butler, lace household items with cocaine. I could bring these items to the ILSMs. They could get high. When they are high, they may want to have sex with me.

Sven walked to the corner of his street, a walk farther than he had walked in years, and attempted to buy cocaine from the local dealers. But, given Sven's enormous size, he could not convince the dealers to believe that he was not an entire drug task force hiding under a single trench coat. While this may sound absurd, the local cocaine dealers were extra cautious after accidentally selling cocaine to a buyer who they thought was a woman, but who later turned out to be a vending machine.

Sven's inability to buy cocaine angered him. He knew that, technically, this meant that if he were to coexist with the ILSMs, he would have to go back to The Book of Sven. Going back to The Book of Sven, though, required reading. Sven hated to read. Sven especially hated having to read things that he wrote. Nothing ever made any sense. And, while pictures were easier to look at, interpreting them and creating plans to facilitate ILSM coexistence was hard.

Shelving The Book of Sven among cans of spray paint and damp cardboard boxes that filled his garage, Sven smoked a cigarette, sans cocaine, and began planning his next terrorist plot.

"The ILSMs foiled my panda plan and let that terrible lesbian panda live another day, but they will not succeed again", he thought, "this time, I will attack them with the one weapon dangerous to all ILSMs: beautiful women."