Addidas stood in the J Crew dressing room, unable to face her own image. She knew she was doing the right thing, and that this ultimate sacrifice was necessary for the sisterhood. She understood the gravity of her mission. And yet she was afraid.
Q had chosen wisely. Addidas was wearing generic khaki capri pants, ill-fitting in a massive size 0. To enhance a straight-girl figure, Q insisted that Addidas wear tights under the capris. Addidas never wore tights. Her legs were too perfectly sculpted and hairless for tights. Tights only hid the perfect tan glow of her natural skin. But, for this mission, that's exactly what needed to be done.
Unfortunately for Addidas, the capris were the best part of her outfit. Q insisted that Addidas wear a plain white polo underneath a long, violet-colored cardigan. No one looks good in violet. The polo was completely buttoned, mutilating her svelt bosom. The cardigan hugged Addidas' thighs, making them appear as if, perhaps, a size 0 was actually appropriate. The cardigan hid Addidas' luscious bidonkadonk, her tightest asset. She looked...Protestant.
But then came the worst. The shoes. Addidas hesitated before taking a step out of the dressing room, for how was one to walk in such monstrosities? These were the dumbest fucking things Addidas had ever seen. Unthinkably, they made even her legs look bad.
It had been since Addidas was a child that she had walked in flats. For over a decade, even her bedroom slippers had been platformed Versaci. Made the lingerie look better. But La Tantesse was wise, and knew that only Addidas had the proper training for walking in these bizarre contraptions. Addidas was the first ILSM to have graduated from La Tantesse's school for the gay arts, and this curriculum included extensive physical fitness training. Addidas could suffer any discomfort, even the bizarre feeling of her heel on the ground.
Addidas and Q quickly went back to their car, where the Helgays waited. Addidas hid her face with a tacky imitation of a polo hat, partly in shame and partly to block the view of all the identical outfits that surrounded her. During the car ride back to La Tantesse's manor, Addidas worried about Nancy and whether any feelings Nancy may have once felt for Addidas would be once and for all crushed by Addidas' new, terrible, attire. She had never been so ashamed in her life. But she knew her duty, her ultimate purpose, was to protect La Tantesse and her fellow ILSMs, no matter what the personal cost. Dulci et decorum est pro patria mori.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Enter Q.
Grim silence fell over the post-orgy gathering. Without Bambi and her sushi, the ILSMs would soon lose their crime-fighting powers. It was only a matter of time before, weakened by their cocaine-laced partying, they would fall vulnerable to Sven's attack.
They needed sushi. Bambi's sushi. And they needed it now.
"But where could Mordo have taken her?" SAAM cried out. SAAM knew that her primary concern should be the crime-fighting prowess of her friends, and yet, she felt a special pang in the area below her ripped abs where fatter people have stomachs -- it was a pang of fear for Bambi's well-being. Innocent little Bambi was in the clutches of evil lesbian-hating forces, alone and unprotected by the ILSMs. The lesbians were the only ones who could save her now. But how?
"To learn of their secret undisclosed location we must infiltrate Sven's lair." La Tantesse clenched her stained teeth as she spoke, showing the black gums of despair that lay underneath.
"But Sven would never let a lesbian into his home!" Nancy protested.
"Lesbians," La Tantesse looked sadly down at her girls, unsure of the dangers that sexily awaited them, "the mystery of the curiously disappeared sushi chef shall be a great and terrible mission. Perhaps the most dangerous mission of all. And time is of the essence."
Hm, Nancy thought. So this is the Case of the Curious Sushi that I have been fighting, the one that led me to Lyon and to the ferris wheel of death. Good to know.
La Tantesse turned to Addidas and continued, "you alone, my darling, can save us. You alone have the training and strength in our hour of need." Addidas nodded.
"Nancy: go get Q," commanded La Tantesse grimly.
At that moment, all of the ILSMs cringed. Only Addidas stood strong, boldly staring into the eyes of destiny. Nancy was impressed.
Q sadly entered the lush foyer of the room which, mere hours ago, was littered with Santa lingerie and cocaine. Now, a dim pall hung over La Tantesse's manor. Q looked gravely at Addidas' Armani pre-release, sent to her by Georgio personally that week. Her Salvatore Ferragamo heels shone in the lamplight. "I'm sorry, Addidas," Q said quietly, "but for this mission, you must become...straight."
Lesbians everywhere gasped. Nancy turned her head, unable to bear the glint of raw pain in Addidas' eyes.
Only Q possessed the dangerous genius of understanding straight girls. Her cold, calculating mind could compile straight-girl outfits almost as quickly as La Tantesse could lace up a new pair of Doc Marten's. "We must go to J Crew. And...Polo Ralph Lauren."
Addidas grimaced. "But please, Q. Isn't there anywhere else we could possibly go? Hermes?" She negotiated.
"No, my darling. I'm sorry, but straight girls can't afford couture. And they only shop at two places. Two places so terrible they are rarely named in this holy space."
The lesbians were confused. Who on this earth PAID for couture? Didn't they just get it hand-delivered by designers begging for them to wear it? Weird.
The Helgays appeared at the door. The car was ready to take Q and Addidas to the mall, where they alone would face the danger of associating with people eating Dip-and-Dots while wearing sweatpants. In public.
They needed sushi. Bambi's sushi. And they needed it now.
"But where could Mordo have taken her?" SAAM cried out. SAAM knew that her primary concern should be the crime-fighting prowess of her friends, and yet, she felt a special pang in the area below her ripped abs where fatter people have stomachs -- it was a pang of fear for Bambi's well-being. Innocent little Bambi was in the clutches of evil lesbian-hating forces, alone and unprotected by the ILSMs. The lesbians were the only ones who could save her now. But how?
"To learn of their secret undisclosed location we must infiltrate Sven's lair." La Tantesse clenched her stained teeth as she spoke, showing the black gums of despair that lay underneath.
"But Sven would never let a lesbian into his home!" Nancy protested.
"Lesbians," La Tantesse looked sadly down at her girls, unsure of the dangers that sexily awaited them, "the mystery of the curiously disappeared sushi chef shall be a great and terrible mission. Perhaps the most dangerous mission of all. And time is of the essence."
Hm, Nancy thought. So this is the Case of the Curious Sushi that I have been fighting, the one that led me to Lyon and to the ferris wheel of death. Good to know.
La Tantesse turned to Addidas and continued, "you alone, my darling, can save us. You alone have the training and strength in our hour of need." Addidas nodded.
"Nancy: go get Q," commanded La Tantesse grimly.
At that moment, all of the ILSMs cringed. Only Addidas stood strong, boldly staring into the eyes of destiny. Nancy was impressed.
Q sadly entered the lush foyer of the room which, mere hours ago, was littered with Santa lingerie and cocaine. Now, a dim pall hung over La Tantesse's manor. Q looked gravely at Addidas' Armani pre-release, sent to her by Georgio personally that week. Her Salvatore Ferragamo heels shone in the lamplight. "I'm sorry, Addidas," Q said quietly, "but for this mission, you must become...straight."
Lesbians everywhere gasped. Nancy turned her head, unable to bear the glint of raw pain in Addidas' eyes.
Only Q possessed the dangerous genius of understanding straight girls. Her cold, calculating mind could compile straight-girl outfits almost as quickly as La Tantesse could lace up a new pair of Doc Marten's. "We must go to J Crew. And...Polo Ralph Lauren."
Addidas grimaced. "But please, Q. Isn't there anywhere else we could possibly go? Hermes?" She negotiated.
"No, my darling. I'm sorry, but straight girls can't afford couture. And they only shop at two places. Two places so terrible they are rarely named in this holy space."
The lesbians were confused. Who on this earth PAID for couture? Didn't they just get it hand-delivered by designers begging for them to wear it? Weird.
The Helgays appeared at the door. The car was ready to take Q and Addidas to the mall, where they alone would face the danger of associating with people eating Dip-and-Dots while wearing sweatpants. In public.
Hangover blues.
When the lesbians finally came down from their drug-induced haze, their Santa-themed lingerie no longer seemed quite appropriate. Sexy, sure, but not necessarily the look a la mode, if you will. The world was not ready.
As they changed and began lacing the day's cigarettes with cocaine, Addidas could not stop thinking about Nancy's behavior hier soir--her instict-driven, cocaine-induced lick of SAAM's collarbone. Was it just a desperate need for cocaine? We've all been there. Or, was it worse? Had Nancy already forgotten Addidas and set her sights on SAAM?
Before Addidas could investigate further, La Tantesse entered the room, the Helgays standing by her side:
"Lesbians!" she clapped twice, forcefully, demanding attention. "We need to rejuvenate after last night's rigorous activities. We need protein. We are going out for sushi."
The lesbians cheered.
"Bambi!" Mordo commanded, "Let's go."
The lesbians looked around, slowly realizing that Bambi was not there.
"She's gone!" cried Nancy, "and so is that woman."
"What woman?" demanded La Tantesse.
"She said she was from Minnesota," Nancy said, sounding uncertain, "but she did not know what a 'hotdish' was."
"And you did nothing?" Croaked La Tantesse.
And La Tantesse knew that the woman who went by Mordo was an agent of Sven.
As they changed and began lacing the day's cigarettes with cocaine, Addidas could not stop thinking about Nancy's behavior hier soir--her instict-driven, cocaine-induced lick of SAAM's collarbone. Was it just a desperate need for cocaine? We've all been there. Or, was it worse? Had Nancy already forgotten Addidas and set her sights on SAAM?
Before Addidas could investigate further, La Tantesse entered the room, the Helgays standing by her side:
"Lesbians!" she clapped twice, forcefully, demanding attention. "We need to rejuvenate after last night's rigorous activities. We need protein. We are going out for sushi."
The lesbians cheered.
"Bambi!" Mordo commanded, "Let's go."
The lesbians looked around, slowly realizing that Bambi was not there.
"She's gone!" cried Nancy, "and so is that woman."
"What woman?" demanded La Tantesse.
"She said she was from Minnesota," Nancy said, sounding uncertain, "but she did not know what a 'hotdish' was."
"And you did nothing?" Croaked La Tantesse.
And La Tantesse knew that the woman who went by Mordo was an agent of Sven.
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